Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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