I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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