Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
