What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
