Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
