I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
