I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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