i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
