just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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