Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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