too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize