My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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