and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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