If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize