let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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