I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
