So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
