bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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