she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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