when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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