just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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