shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
