I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize