you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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