Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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