Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
