does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
