I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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