I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
