I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
