Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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