i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I want a musical about memes.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
