KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just had sex on a roof
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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