today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
