The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
