My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
