you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize