I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
