My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
