At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
whose parrot is this?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
