Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
