I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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