Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
