apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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