I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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