chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Sorry about my life...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
