Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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