They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
me + whiskey = a bad person
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
