Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
