I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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