every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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