I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
