I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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