Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
