Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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