Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
