i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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