So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
